Some scars you can see and some you can’t, the emotional scars. Whichever they are, they can be difficult to deal with, and learn to love them for what they are, battle marks of a warrior that has been through hell with stories to tell. Life seems to have given me a lot of experience with both. It took me a long time to change my perspective on what they are. I used to see them as another failure, a reason to stop trying. A reminder of when life smacked me around and I fell hard. Now I see them as proud moments of struggle where I learned more of what I am capable of surviving. A time where I rose from the ashes to be stronger.
My first scar, in 1990 after my appendicitis surgery, didn’t seem like that big of a deal at the time. At the young age of 12, it was the first time I had ever dealt with a serious health challenge. I didn’t understand what was happening. At a certain point of the pain, you don’t care what needs to be done to fix it. You just want it over! I figured out later that not only did I have the physical scar of the incision, but I also picked up emotional scaring. My parents didn’t take me to the hospital in what I felt was a timely manner. They waited about 3 days, going back and forth if it was truly that serious. I resented them for a VERY long time. That emotional scar stayed with me. I have now since forgiven them, realizing they were just doing the best they could with the information they had. What emotional scars do you have that you could reflect on with a different perspective, to forgive?
The resentment I held towards my parents developed into a deterioration of my gallbladder. I believe our bodies hold emotions in different areas or organs. According to the NET emotional chart, based on Chinese medicine and energy, the gallbladder holds resentment. At the time, I was working through my mental illnesses (a different set of wounds and scars). I had just started my sessions of the NET treatments. We were so focused on working through the mental illness issues, the chemical imbalance as well as the emotional ones, that we all missed the pain that was growing just below my ribs. I had been dealing with chronic pain for many years so I just thought it was that. I was also starting my first job in my fashion career, FINALLY! On my third day, my boss sent me to the ER. She had issues with her gallbladder and insisted I was having the same problems. Turns out she was right. I had laparoscopic surgery that left me with four very small incisions across my belly. These scars didn’t look too bad, but the disappointment of a life setback was. I remember staring at myself in the mirror crying, looking at those little scars staring back at me. I had lost my job because it took me so long to heal. I remember feeling defeated again. Just as I was climbing out of the dark hole of my mental illness past, I was thrown back down. Those scars were marks of not dealing with my emotions and past issues. Have you hung on to something that someone said or did? Did it make you feel sick? Watch out! It really can if you hold on too long.
About 10 years later and lots of NET treatments, life had been moving along fabulously with exciting challenges and adventures. My mindset was stronger, and all signs of my mental illnesses were gone. I was managing my emotions exquisitely. Only needing simple maintenance NET sessions occasionally for current life stresses. I was basically at the pinnacle of my fashion career working for Disney in Creative Costuming. My work was opening the new Shanghai Disney Park in China! Slowly, day after day, my instincts told me I needed to get my neck checked out. It was tender when I pushed on it and bothering me internally. This one was subtle. Unlike the gallbladder pain, which still holds the top spot for most excruciating pain I have ever felt; this was more of a “knowing” that something was wrong. My inner voice kept insisting to push my doctors for further examination. This was also around the time I felt like it was my purpose to start working on a bigger vision, our book as well as all the events leading up to it. My thyroid blood tests kept coming back normal. I had to push my doctor to feel my neck. It was so frustrating. Once she did, her face changed immediately. She sent me for an ultrasound right away. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, trying to stay positive I went to the appointment for the results alone. The doctor immediately insisted it was cancer. The large tumor had all the characteristics. I mentally shut down. Four months later, after the numbness of emotions and roller coaster of doctor appointments, I got the results of the surgery. It’s NOT cancer after all! Luckily, I chose to gamble on the positive side and only remove half of my thyroid with the tumor. The best possible outcome of a spiritual message.
This scar reminds me to listen to my instincts and chose a positive outcome. Plus, it makes me laugh because Joe called me a human Pez dispenser. It was a very ugly cut across my neck while it healed but I rarely covered it. I didn’t worry about it this time. My body healed magnificently from this one. I was ready to be strong and have no more health issues. Do you listen to your body? Can you tell when your body or spirit is telling you something? It takes time and conscious attention to understand yourself, who you really are.
Most recently, to end 2020 with an extra bang, I began to have problems with my feminine cycle while I dealt with very stressful business challenges. Pain and bleeding intensified over the next few months. I thought this was going to be something I could manage a little longer. However, since I’ve had random unexplainable pain for almost 30 years, I was always hesitant to blow off something different. This pain was definitely different and progressed quickly. I pushed the doctors once again. Their attitude was “let’s just wait and see. Cysts are common.” The transvaginal ultrasound found more details of another tumor/cyst with the same characteristics as in my neck. The scare of potential cancer struck again but I tried to hold on to the fact the previous one was not. The doctors suggested we start thinking about surgery. Initially, I was devastated. Both of us struggle with “this is happening again” emotions. We convinced ourselves that the thyroid one was the last. After everything I had been through already, what more could happen?! After the initial shock lasting about a day or two, we went into solution mode. We’d been through it before so it wasn’t that difficult to maneuver through all the doctors' appointments. The special challenge this time? We were living on the road, wanting to explore the country in our RV. We felt tethered to Orlando and our life was put on hold once again. It's been six-weeks since my supracervical hysterectomy and bilateral oophorectomy with a 3" lateral incision and three small laparoscopic incisions. My mindset was different this time. I started questioning the bigger picture. What did I need to learn from this event in my life? What emotions was I going through that could have led up to this? What common themes/life events are showing up with my surgeries? So far, from what I believe, my body encapsulates emotional traumas into diseased organs or tumors. It’s my job to consciously be aware and stop doing that!
My conclusion? To intentionally live my life with my purpose and vision, in conjunction with Joe. Not worrying about what others think I should do or how I should do it. I choose to live more in flow with life and control the only thing I can, my thoughts. Wow, it only took 43 years to figure that out! Life has taught me these lessons fairly early. I have the whole second half to use these lessons wisely. These most recent 4 scars hardly bother me at all, emotionally. I am still in the healing process as I write this. The only reason I look at my current scars is to make sure they are physically healing well and on schedule for the process. Joe caught me looking at them recently and drew this picture. He has to go through this emotional process as well. He remembers how I used to see them. This is his loving way to show he sees me, not my scars.
After this last surgery, I can now accept that there may be more in my future. The universe has millions of functions that are happening all around us that we are not controlling. I am ready, willing, and able to calmly respond to whatever comes my way. These 10 scars are my battle marks from resisting the flow of life instead of directing my boat gently through the waters. Each one has taught me important lessons and helped me find deeper strength within. I believe this will culminate into a great body of work to share with the world. So many people struggle in silence, feeling alone. These stories can open hearts and conversations. They can help others cope through their first experience or their tenth. This is what drives me to share. If I can help someone else feel better about themselves and their journey. Then this effort to heal, to keep moving forward was all worth it. #KeepOnRolling